I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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