LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize