i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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