I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
one might say we're banned from that church
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
