I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
