don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my shit smells like andre
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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