Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
