now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Is Oprah even human
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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