a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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