No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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