you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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