did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
