his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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