judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
