I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
