He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
