Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize