Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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