Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
