Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
