even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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