It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
