My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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