I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
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I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
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his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.