I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
