I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
