Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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