he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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