I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
