I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
