If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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