Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
