I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
