What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
