I look better un-naked...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
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I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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