This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
