The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
