He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
