I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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