I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
