The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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