Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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