I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
