Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
