I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
