the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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