my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
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Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
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I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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