dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
