Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
sex in a hospital.. check
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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