i think i have herpe
just one?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
