im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
