From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
