just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
