I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
