someone threw a dead crab at me
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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