I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
